In April 1999 I was involved in a serious car accident, while in hospital my landlord confiscated every item I owned except some of my son's clothes and toys my family luckily took before. I could not imagine life being less livable at that moment but it got worse. The man I loved for four years and hoped to marry, decided he could no longer watch me ill. He left and my life as I knew it was really over. But being the type of person I was I pulled myself together and went on with life. My son and I lived with family for a while, we received public assistance for a short while because I couldn't work and my son was still in primary school. But I was determined to make our lives better and we move to south Florida to stay with my sister for a while. I got a job and soon my son and I were able to get our own flat. Things were getting better even though my stomach had been reconstructed and was a source of constant pain and discomfort. In 2002 I decided to move back to Central Florida to be close to my mother. We stayed with them for a few months then got a really nice flat by the river. My stepfather died that same month so if felt right to be there close to my mother, and within a few weeks I started a very good job. After a few months there I got another offer and I went to work for Liberty Aerospace in Jan 2002. It was a wonderful experience. I enjoyed what I did and loved my co-workers, but after 3 years some office politics which really did not concern me directly caused my boss to be fired and because of my loyalty to him so was I a few months later. During this time also my new husband had began to show his true self, an alcholic, abusive, controlling psycho. He was estatic when I told him I lost my job. His reaction what "now she will have to do what I tell her".
So when I saw my doctor she saw I was depressed and prescribed Paxil CR. I told her was I trying to work towards becoming medication free as much as my stomach would allow, but she insisted and I agreed that I needed to deal with the depressing I obviously was experiencing.
To the best of my recall I began taking the drug in Novemeber 2005, by the end of December I had tried to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills. I was Baker Acted and locked into the worst place I have ever been in for three days. But never once was Paxil blamed. Everyone said it had to be the sleep aid. When I saw my regular doctor after being released she said I needed to start taking Paxil again. I started a new job in Jan 2006 and I noticed changes in myself immediately. I did not want to get out of bed in the morning, I was not excited about my job like is usual for me. My mother even commented that she thought I did not like the job too much because I did not talk about it at all. Then things got worse, my stomach pain I can usually deal with and I have pain medication for when it gets unmanageable. But now it hurt so bad so often I could not deal with it and the medication was no longer working. I began to experience panic attacks and I felt so hopeless one day at work I called the Suicide Hotline. I cried all day that day at work. The weeks following were simply horrible. I felt like I was going insane, one evening I fell asleep and when I woke up it was dark out any my son was not in his room, and I fell apart, I was crying hysterically, I took all my medication bottles and was screaming for my son to come take them from me. Thankfully he had just gone downstairs to skateboard for a short while, when he came in I was hysterical. I begged him not to leave me alone, I gave him the pain killers and the sleep aid but not the Paxil because I thought those medications were more dangerous, but I was wrong. I had a complete breakdown, I was begging my mother to help me because I was going mad, within a week I saw both priests at our church, one counseler at the woman's centre and one clinical psychologist. And no one figured out it was Paxil that was causing my problems. It came as no surprise to me that I was fired a few weeks later. And I did not even care. The weeks following were strange, I would look for jobs everyday but did not go to the interviews because I did not have the energy, I had started working out again and I just quit one day. I got a job I really wanted working for a non-profit organisation and one day I just decided I could not go back. I just cannot movitate myself to do what I need to. I am unemployed and I have to move out of my flat by monthend and I have done nothing.
Last Thursday I ran out of Paxil and could not refil it because I had no money. I immediately felt ill, my stomach burned with nausea, the pain was unbearable. I had a monstrous headache, I could eat nothing and felt so fatigued I could not leave my bed. I called my doctor's office, (she is off on maternity leave until Sept) so the nurse to me to fill the script and take one pill the next two mornings until I saw the fill in doctor. About 30 minutes after taking the pill I felt was has become normal for me. It was then I decided to go online to see what was out there about this drug and I was appalled at how callously so many people seeking help are turned in drug addicts. Addicted to a drug that supposedly is non-habit forming. My life is in total disarray and now I am being told I may never be able to stop taking it. Well Paxil doesn't know me, I will beat it, I will not let this drug ruin one more minute of my life. I will do whatever it takes to eridcate this poison from my system and then I intend to become a thorn in the side of the manufacturer. They will pay for the havoc they wreaked on my life and so many others, in God's Name I promise.